38 Reasons Why
by EustaceGeller
Summary: What happens when Pam finds a note on Jim's phone she isn't supposed to see? Can one note change everything? / Set in Season 2, sometime after The Booze Cruise.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi! This is my first Jam fan fiction. Please let me know what you think. If it sucks, let me know. Help me out! Thanks. **

Today Jim was having a bad day. Every day was basically a bad day, just because of the fact that he had to sit only feet away from the love of his life; the love of his life that was engaged. But, today was worse. He knew he would have to go into work and watch Pam plan her wedding with Roy. To him, seeing Pam everyday and not being able to have her was like having wings but being forbidden to fly. Every time he looked down at her ring while they laughed together his heart plunged to his feet and he became completely hollow in his chest. And today he didn't want that. He just wanted her.

Jim sat at his desk shuffling through papers while listening to Pam talk on the phone. He noted for the millionth time how sweet and pure her voice was. She hung up and whispered his name. Jim looked up from his desk. "Come here!" She whispered. Jim had planned that today he would focus on work and not go up to her desk. He thought that maybe it would help him keep his mind off her. All it really did was make him think about her more. He was dying to see her smile, to listen to her talk about random things, and to plan their next miraculous prank on Dwight. Jim looked up at the clock. _11:18. Well, I've made it this far. It wouldn't hurt to talk to her_. Except that deep down he knew it would only tear away another layer of his heart.

"Hey." He leaned against her desk.

"What's up? You haven't talked to me today."

"I've just been busy." He lied and she saw right through him.

"That's never stopped you before." Her eyebrows knitted together trying to figure him out.

_So, she wanted to talk to me? _"Oh, you know I'm just here for the candy, right?" He sarcastically tried to steer the conversation in a different way.

"Oh, right." She nodded. "I got new jelly beans. Try them." She smiled.

Jim popped a green one in his mouth and immediately scrunched his face. "Um, It's…it's good." He struggled.

Pam bit her lip trying not to laugh. She had gotten the gag pack, with flavors such as booger, puke, and dirt. But, she wasn't going to tell him that yet. _Was he actually trying not to hurt my feelings? Even if I did get regular candy and he didn't like it, I honestly wouldn't mind. _Pam thought. _Hmm. Time to mess with him. _

"Oh, that's good! Try the yellow. I think that's my favorite." Pam new yellow was ear wax flavored.

Jim hesitated but grabbed a yellow anyways. He chewed it and swallowed fast. And after 3 other ones Pam made him try he finally asked "Pam, what flavor are these?"

"Well, I know yellow is ear wax and green might be grass? Oh, and pink is definitely puke." Pam burst into giggles as Jim gave her the look, _did you really just do that to me?_ She handed him the package showing what each flavor was.

"So, which one was your favorite?" Pam beamed.

"Honestly, I've had better puke. C'mon, Pam you're slacking on your candy choice."

Pam couldn't stop laughing and Jim would never stop admiring the way her lips curled into the perfect smile.

"Well, I'm glad you like them."

"Oh, but you know I'll be getting revenge."

"What! No, Jim, you know that's not fair. Your pranking skills are so much better than mine!"

"Oh! Wow! Thank you! I'll never let you forget what you just admitted. But, what? Are you saying you're scared of me?"

Jim wasn't going to prank her, and if he did it surely wouldn't be as extreme as some of the stuff he had done to Dwight. He just liked seeing Pam scared.

"What! No, I'm scared of what you might do to me! I've seen the pranks you've done on Dwight. Please!" She placed her hands on top of his helping with her plea. Jim gulped and dared not to look down at her hands. He didn't want to see what he knew was there. The ring was only a painful reminder that he couldn't have her. He had forgotten about her being engaged for the moments they were talking. Something very hard to forget, but with her charm, everything else in his mind got thrown in the recycle bin. The sensation that was brought from her warm soft hands made him forget what she had just asked. Was it even a question?

"Jim?" Pam came into focus and he mentally kicked himself for doing this again. Every time she playfully touched him his brain shut down.

"Oh, uh…" he racked his brain. _Jelly beans? Dwight? What had she said?_

"Jimbo! Pamela!" Michael sang from behind. _Good, distraction. _

Jim felt Pam's hands slowly pull away from his. _Oh, shit. Did Michael see that?_

"What are you guys working on? Oh, wait! Oh! Did I interrupt something?" Michael asked awkwardly then whispered to him just loud enough that Pam heard. "Did you tell her?"

"Oh, uh, Michael. Nope. No. No. Just working on, um…" Jim frantically searched his brain for something to say.

"Oooh! Okay, I got ya." Michael laughed and walked over to accounting assuming that Jim was telling Pam how he felt.

"What was all that about?" Pam looked over at Jim.

"I, uh." _Pull it together. Talk like a human. _"Well, it's Michael. You never know with him." He laughed awkwardly.

"Tell me what though?"

"What!?" Jim answered suspiciously quickly.

"What did Michael mean when he asked if you had told me?"

"Um, I don't know." He shrugged and pretended to straighten his tie. "Uh, listen; I have work to do. But don't forget that I'm getting revenge!" He mentally high fived himself for a semi smooth recovery and beamed at her. Pam didn't return the smile. _What was he hiding? _She pondered as he strolled back to his desk.

Jim held his head in his hands. He knew he should have just made up an excuse on why he couldn't talk to her. Every time he went to reception Roy ended up calling or worse coming through the door, or something would happen like Michael just did. He peeked over at her. She was typing on her computer. Little did he know she was stealing glances at him as well. He figured Roy would be up here soon to help wedding planning and to eat lunch with her so he got up and headed towards the kitchen. _Would life be better or worse if I worked in the annex? _

Pam looked up from her desk for the sixth time. "Pammy, what are you look at?" Roy asked grabbing her chin and turned her to face him. He was usually the one who was distracted while they had conversations, now it was her. _Where was Jim? He's been gone for a long time._

"Uh, nothing." She lied. "So do you like these?" She continued.

"Um, yeah. I mean they're just invitations, right?" he laughed to show he was joking. But Pam knew he was being serious.

She couldn't help but wonder how Jim would participate in wedding planning. _He'd be interested in everything. Not just what band we got like Roy did. Jim would make wedding planning so stress free. He would always lighten the mood if I needed him too. Wait, you're not marrying Jim. Stop thinking like that. Where was he though?_

"Yeah, um, I still have work to do. We can finish these later. So, I'll see you at 5?" Pam wanted him to leave. She literally wanted her own fiancé to leave so that she could go find Jim. She thought about how she had never, not once, wanted Jim to leave. She could talk to him for hours.

"Okay. See ya." He kissed her on the lips and left.

Pam shuffled the deck of invitations and placed them aside. She peered through the kitchen window; still no sign of Jim. She got up and traveled to the break room where she found him eating lunch.

"Hey. You've been in here for a while."

He looked up and shut his phone. "Oh yeah." But what Jim really wished to say was, "_I didn't want to watch you and Roy plan your wedding because I'm in love with you and I wish it was our wedding we were planning." _

"Let me grab my lunch. We can eat together."

She came back and chose the seat that was closer to him instead of the one in front of him, like she usually did. He looked surprised, and that gave Pam an odd feeling in her stomach. Not butterflies, was it? She couldn't remember the last time Roy had given her butterflies.

"So why didn't you eat with Roy?"

"He was busy." She lied. _"Because I was worried about you?"_

_"_So have you come up with a prank to play on me?" she smirked.

"Yes, actually, I've been making a list on my phone." He wasn't lying. He _had _been making a list. Just not pranks to play on her.

"What? Let me see it!" Pam reached across the table knocking over Jim's container of carrots. They both ignored it. She clutched the phone just as he took her hand.

"Ah ah ah!" He grinned.

"Give it." she whispered.

"That's not how it works, Beesly."

"Fine." She said. Jim suspiciously looked at her. _She'd never give up that easy? _He let go of her assuming she was upset. She swiftly snatched the phone and jumped out of her seat. Pam scrolled through the menu to find Notepad.

"Pam!" He stood up and tried to steal the phone back. "Pam, please give it back. There's no list! I was kidding!" _No, she can't see what I had been writing. Shit. _Pam looked through to find a prank list, but instead found one titled "Reasons Why I Love Pam" Her heart sank. Had she read that right? Jim grabbed at her waist to catch her but she was too fast and spun around the table while clicking the note. She skimmed at it and found that he had 38 reasons. Pam quickly exited just as he stole it back from her.

She locked eyes with his while tears started to form. _Oh, god. Not me Pam, another Pam. It had to be. Why does my heart hurt so much? _Pam tried to catch her breath but couldn't seem to find where all her oxygen had gone. _Was that why he had been gone so long? He was making a list. He loves me? Why can't I breathe?_

"Pam!" Jim became worried. "Are you alright?" Pam's face lost all color, leaving her looking lifeless.

And in that moment, Pam felt a feeling that Roy had never given her before; a feeling he would never _be able _to give her. A feeling so strong and so scary she thought she might faint from dizziness. And she did.

"Pam!" Jim yelled as he ran to catch her in his arms. "Oh, god. Toby!" Jim yelled.

"Hey, what's going o-oh! Oh!"

"Call someone! Call Roy!" Jim hated the idea of Roy being superman and swooping in saving the fainting girl, but he was her fiancé. They had to contact him. Toby ran back to his desk.

_What the hell am I supposed to do? _Jim had never been in this kind of situation before. He calmly laid her down on the floor and made sure she was breathing. She was. He grabbed the water bottle from his lunch and threw the cap across the floor. He drenched her face and knelt beside her on the wet floor. "Pam? Can you hear me?" _Oh gosh, Pam. You have to stay with me. Don't you dare stop breathing. _Jim had never been so scared in his life. The thought of sitting at his desk and looking up to some new receptionist was the worst thought his brain would ever be capable of coming up with.

Roy barged in, followed by others from the office that were curious to the commotion.

"PAM!?" he bellowed and pushed Jim out of the way, knocking him on his side.

"Pam! What the hell happened, Halpert!?" Roy looked fiercely over at him.

"She..we.." He couldn't talk because his brain still couldn't grasp the whole situation. "We were standing up and she just..just went pale! She fainted!"

"OH GOD. PAM." Michael came in crying. "DON'T DIE. YOU'RE ONE OF THE ONLY HOT ONES HERE." He yelled.

"Okay, everybody just needs to calm down! Someone call 911." Jim protested.

Pam's eyes fluttered open. "Jim?" Pam whispered.

"No! It's me; your damn fiancé." Roy shouted.

And that's when Jim lost it. _How in the world is she marrying him? If you weren't such a jerk, maybe you would have been here when she fainted._ _Don't fucking yell at Pam! She just woke up from fainting. _It took all the strength Jim had to not punch Roy in the throat.

"Roy, please stop yelling." Pam rubbed her forehead while frowning. "My head hurts."

Pam propped herself on her elbows. "Jim, what happened?"

Jim couldn't help but notice how her wet shirt clung to her curves and her breasts. He found it difficult to come up with an answer.

"Um…" he cleared his throat. "I, um, I got my phone back from you and then you just went pale. You looked at me like you were scared. And before I knew it, you fainted."

"Come here, Pammy." Roy lifted her to her feet. "Let's get you home." Roy gripped at her arm.

"Well, don't you think you need to take her to the hospital; make sure she's okay?" Jim questioned.

"She'll be just fine. I got her." Roy spat.

"Thank god, Pam! We all thought you were going to die!" Michael said.

Roy shuffled her past everyone, gathered her things at reception, and left, leaving the whole office in rumors and stares towards Jim.

After collecting both their lunches, and cleaning up the water on the floor, Jim sat back down at his desk. He knew he'd not get any more work done. All he wanted was for _him_ to take Pam home or to the hospital and care for her. _What did she see in that guy anyways? She deserved much more. Did she see the note? What else would make her faint? Is she okay? Yeah. She's in the good and loving hands of Roy. She's perfect, _he sarcastically thought. _Gosh, the way her shirt clung to her. _He'd never be able to get that picture out of his head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

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The way home took longer than Pam would have liked for it to. Her head pounded with pain and she felt like she was going to throw up. All she wanted was to go home and hide herself far from her troubles. She wanted to go to sleep, wake up, and realize that what had happened was all just a dream.

After what seemed like eternity of riding in a suffocating truck with Roy Anderson, he finally pulled into their apartment drive way. She thanked him for helping her out and guiding her inside. He must have realized that she still felt awful, and it wasn't a good idea to walk by herself, considering she was still dizzy.

"Okay, so what can I help you with?" Roy sat her purse and coat on the bar of the kitchen.

Pam was a little startled. She didn't expect him to be so helpful. He was being really loud and aggressive at the office earlier. This was a new side of him she wouldn't mind seeing more often.

"I'd just like to take some medicine, a hot bath, and a nap." She started down the hall towards their bedroom.

"Alright, let me help you out."

Roy grabbed some Advil from the cabinet of their bathroom, and handed her two along with a paper cup filled with water.

"Here, take this."

"Thanks." She took them and picked out a more comfortable outfit to wear after her bath.

"Okay, what else can I do for ya?" he took the cup from her.

"Uh, nothing else I guess. Thanks, babe."

Roy kissed her forehead. "Okay, I'll be in the living room if you need me."

Roy was being sweet, and Pam rarely saw this side of him. It was sad, but true. _Maybe I should faint more often, _she sarcastically thought.

Pam slipped off her work clothes as the bathtub filled with steaming water.

She tried to work out what had happened earlier that day in her head. _Jim loved me? How is that possible? He can't love me because we're friends. How long has he loved me?_ It still sounded too weird in her head. Her best friend couldn't love her. _Maybe Jim meant as a friend? Yes, that had to be it, because how could he fall for someone so dorky and just so…so me? What did the list say?_ Pam was dying to know.

Pam turned off the water and laid her back against the wall of the tub. Her tense muscles slowly learned to relax which made her feel better. She closed her eyes and let the steam become a blanket over her body. No matter how hard she tried to get Jim out of her head, he kept creeping back in. What did this mean for them? Nothing, this was nothing. _Surely he meant another Pam. He couldn't love me because…well he just couldn't. _Thismade things difficult for her, especially being so close to the wedding. It was just more stress. Even though the hot water against her skin was soothing, Pam was just having trouble clearing her mind away from Jim, the man who was once just her co-worker, her friend, but is now someone who made her faint at the thought of love.

After Pam's what was supposed to be a relaxing bath, she put her silky, teal pajama bottoms on, along with a plain t shirt.

She dried her hair and found Roy watching tv in the living room.

"Oh hey, how ya feelin'?" he asked with his eyes still glued to the tv.

"Uh, a little better." She responded, sitting on the couch. Truth was she still felt awful.

"So what exactly happened today?"

Jim's worried expression, that he gave her just before she fainted, flashed through her mind, making her stomach feel as if a boulder was trying to destroy it. She suddenly felt sick again.

"I, um, I don't know. I just wasn't feeling good. I hadn't eaten and when I stood up I just got dizzy." She wasn't entirely lying to him.

"That's weird. Are you getting sick?" he came and sat by her, putting his hand on her head to check her temperature.

"No, no, no. I'm probably just stressed with wedding planning and I just got overwhelmed. That's all."

"Okay. Well, c'mon. You hungry?" he brought her back to her feet.

"A little."

"Well what do you think you can eat?"

"I'll just eat something small." She searched the cabinet and found a package of cheese crackers. "I'm gonna go lay down."

"Oh, okay. If you need me, I'll be here." Roy grabbed a beer from the fridge and laid back in his recliner.

Right as Pam found her pillow she was pulled into a deep sleep, one that would hopefully change everything. Why did Jim have to do this so close to her wedding? Pam knew it wasn't his fault. She was the one who found the note. Who knew changing the candy dispenser would have unraveled so much?

Roy flipped through channels as Pam's phone dinged again. He stood up and found it in her purse. He was going to take it to her, but the name on the screen caught his eye. It read _2 new messages from Jim_. Roy became curious. He didn't even know Pam had Jim's number. _Maybe reading it wouldn't hurt, _he thought. Roy clicked read and Jim's messages popped up on the screen

_Hey Pam, I'm really sorry about what happened today. I hope you're doing better though._

_Sent at 1:46 pm_

_Oh, and I've got a prank we can play on Dwight that involve the jellybeans. We can't just throw them away can we? We'll talk about it tomorrow?_ J

_Sent at 1:47 pm_

Roy couldn't help but feel mad at Pam. She had such a good relationship with him; way better than his and hers had ever been. Sure, he liked that she had a friend to talk to during the day so that when she came home she wouldn't complain, but he didn't want them talking _after_ work. Anger surged through him and before he knew it, he had typed a response and hit send.

Roy deleted all the messages so that Pam wouldn't find them later and placed it back in her purse. He felt guilty, sure, but this was what was best for Pam; what was best for them.

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**Thanks for reading, wouldn't mind a review! Up next is Jim's point of view and how his day went. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

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Jim's day was going terribly. No, it was worse than terrible. It was so terrible, he thought, that no word could correctly describe how bad he was feeling. Knowing that he had caused Pam to faint, made his heart hurt so bad that he honestly didn't even know if he had a heart anymore. Because really, how could a heart undergo so much pain?

It was now 1:00 pm. He hadn't bothered finishing his lunch. He couldn't eat after what had happened. Pam was the only thing on his mind. Not sales and not even hunger. Every call that came, he ignored. He didn't want to talk to costumers about paper. He just wanted to talk to Pam, and knowing that Pam was with Roy, made him feel worse. He didn't know whether she was okay or not.

He looked up at reception, hoping that each time he did so, she would magically re appear, that he would look up and it would be her whispering his name again at 11:18. But she wasn't there, and it wasn't 11:18. His eyes wandered to the candy dispenser letting himself remember the awful flavors with even worse after tastes. He looked over at Dwight, who was chatting on the phone with a client. A wonderful prank formed in his mind that indeed involved the jelly beans.

Jim thought about playing the prank on Dwight today, thinking it would distract him away from his thoughts, but he decided it would be nice to have Pam help tomorrow. It might even make her day, and that's what he was here for after all; was just to make her laugh and smile because he honestly didn't know if she did at home. Jim still had 5 hours to get through though. What was he supposed to do in that spare time? It was driving him insane to think about Pam and he didn't want to work. Jim reached for his phone and went to notepad. He clicked on the note that had lead to the unpleasant events today, and scrolled down. _38. _It wasn't a lot, but Pam had interrupted him while he was writing. He honestly could have written 500. Jim wanted to delete the note. Pam would never get to read it anyways. What was the point in keeping it? He knew all the reasons he loved her. Why couldn't he of just been a normal person and kept them in his head? Despite what Jim was thinking, he kept accumulating more reasons. Jim was just about to type number 39 when his work phone started ringing. He stared at it and wished that it was Pam who was calling him, not some angry salesman.

"Are you going to answer any calls today?" Dwight eyed him.

Jim glared at him as if to say "Just leave me alone."

"Fine, I'll take care of it."

Dwight reached over and answered Jim's phone, and to Jim's surprise, he truthfully didn't care that he would be losing a client to Dwight.

Jim closed out of the note and found Pam's contact. He had to talk to her. He had to see how she was. _A text shouldn't be a problem should it? _

He typed out his message. _It's simple. It's sweet. It's fine if I send this right, or would it make her feel weird since she saw the note? _He stopped himself from over thinking it and hit send. _Shit. I shouldn't have done that. I'll send another one so it doesn't sound so serious. _Jim quickly typed out his idea with the left over jelly beans and pushed send before she had time to respond to the first one. _There. Not so bad? Sweet, simple, funny. Not weird? _

The next 3 minutes were the slowest 3 minutes of his life, which included Dwight bragging on about him gaining another client, no, _stealing his client_. It made him want to walk right out of that building and run somewhere that would let him hide away from all reality; maybe somewhere where he could receive a new heart; a new heart with no pain in it. He couldn't even remember what that felt like. His phone buzzed with Pam's name on the front. His breath caught in his throat as he was afraid of what she could have said. He clicked read.

_I'm fine. I'm with Roy and I'm happy. I'm done with all these stupid pranks. Just stop talking to me. _

_Sent at 1:50 pm_

Jim no longer cared that he was at work or that Dwight was staring at him. He didn't care about anything anymore, except the woman who obviously didn't care about him. Jim let the tears rapidly fall down onto his shirt. "_Just stop talking to me."_ Jim had thought that watching Pam plan her wedding with Roy was painful. He thought that seeing her beautiful self and not getting to tell her just how beautiful he thought she was, was painful. He thought that seeing the love of his life love someone she didn't deserve was painful. But none of that was as painful as the 5 words that lingered at the end of the text.

Jim gathered his bag, phone, and coat and walked as quickly as he could _away_ from the one place that has brought him more pain than any. And walked _to_ any place that offered a new heart; any place that guaranteed happiness. The only problem was…there was where he found his happiness. 

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**I intended for this chapter to be shorter. It was just to see Jim's POV. The next chapter will be longer. Please review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

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Jim found himself sitting in the same place he so often came to whenever he needed to clear his head. The local park was the most relaxing and peaceful place he could find in Scranton. He especially loved it this time of year. The multi-colored leaves layered the paths and the benches of the park making it look like a perfect acrylic painting. It was more quite and serene during the fall which gave him the opportunity to clear his head. There were about six benches total in the park but after so many times of visiting, he found the perfect one for him.

He sat with a view filled with tranquility. In front of him was a pond that held about eight duck that he sometimes like to name depending on their personalities. To the left of him in the distance, were two very large, old willow trees sitting beside each other. He liked to think about how the willow trees would have grown up together, just as two friends would have. The tendrils of the willow trees would blow in the wind and almost act as if they were holding hands. That thought always made him smile for an unexplainable reason. To the right of him very far off, was a small play ground area for children. It was just close enough that he could faintly hear children scream and laugh while also listening to the ducks quack. When Jim was there, he almost forgot about the pain in his chest because he was focused on the wonderful details that God had created. Sitting on the aged wooden bench made Jim feel like he was a part of the acrylic painting. This was the only thing that made him feel prominent and essential. That might have sounded funny to anyone else, but it was sad that the only thing that could make Jim feel this way was by simply sitting on a bench alone.

People walked by in the path that divided him between the pond. Almost everyone he saw gave him a smile and that always lifted his spirits. He was just hoping that today there would be enough smiles. He was very unsure that he could forget about the text message that was still lingering in his phone. It was almost as if Pam's voice was on repeat in his head. _"Just stop talking to me."_ Those words made him sick to his stomach.

Jim suddenly became distracted from his thoughts of Pam when someone strolled up beside him.

"May I join you?" an elder man asked, while pointing his wooden cane towards the space beside Jim.

Jim looked up to see about a 70 year old man wearing a weary face.

"Of course." Jim replied with a grin as he moved over to give the man more room.

"These bones of mine can't walk this whole park without taking a break." He laughed and sat down.

They sat together in silence for quite some time before the man said erratically, "This is my favorite place."

Jim was caught off guard. "Really? This is one of mine too. What's your favorite part about this place?"

"Hm, this is the park where I met the love of my life." He answered thoughtfully.

Jim wasn't sure how to respond, but before he had the chance, the man kept on.

"I met my darling, Rose, right over there." He pointed off to the bench that sat diagonally in the distance. The old man paused, reminiscing that day. "I remember it all like it was yesterday. We were both sitting at that bench when I asked her something that started it all."

Jim became interested in what the man might have to say. "What did you ask her?"

"I said to her, now what's a pretty woman like you doin' all by herself?" the old man's smirk at the recollection soon turned into a laugh.

Jim joined in. He imagined himself doing the same at that age.

"And I'll tell you this; I didn't get a good response back." The man continued. "She huffed on about how woman could be independent as well and that she didn't need a man in her life, that she was good on her own." He took another pause. Jim noted that as he talked about his Rose, he had a twinkle that shown through his eyes, and wondered if he, himself, did when he talked about Pam.

"She sounds lovely." Jim smiled.

"She definitely was."

"Was?" Jim gulped silently, and was cautious not to pry.

The elder rubbed his hand nervously on his knee. "Oh, I never did end up with Rose." His voice was coated with sorrow. "For years I was in love with her, never could get her to love me back. We became friends, but before I knew it, she was married to another man."

Jim thought his heart might stop beating from what he heard. _I guess I'm not the only one._ He couldn't believe it. Of course, with his luck, he'd go somewhere to get his mind of things, but all it would do was make him think about things more. He didn't want to end up like that. There was no way he was going to be an old single man who was still telling the story of how he fell in love. He didn't want to be hooked on Pam forever.

"Let me give a youngen like you some advice, if you don't mind."

Jim became curious to why the man thought he needed to give advice, but nodded anyway, encouraging him to go on.

"When you fall in love, don't let her go. It don't matter if she is engaged, married, or just has a darn boyfriend, don't let her go. The way I see it is it's better to be friends with the love of your life than to not know where she is or if she's happy. I made a mistake leaving Rose because she was married. I moved away and not seeing her everyday brought me more pain than seeing her with someone else."

Jim cringed and became nauseous at the thought of leaving Pam. The man was right. "Why don't you go look for her? She might not be with him anymore."

"Seems like a simple solution, doesn't it? I waited too long. About 4 years ago, Rose passed away, and later I found out that she was divorced. I should have never left."

"I'm sorry." Jim said solemnly.

"I learned a lesson out of it though. No matter how much pain the love of your life brings you, don't run away, because the pain will only follow. It's better to stay put, trust me."

"Did you ever love again?"

"Sure didn't. I did try to move on, but to tell you the truth; you have to want to be able to before you actually can. And I just don't _want _to get over her, even if she is gone."

"You've given me a lot to think about actually."

"I'm glad. Well, it's getting pretty chilly out. I best get goin'."

"Yeah, it was nice meeting you. Um, I never caught your name."

"The name's, Carl." He said standing up using his cane for support.

"Jim." Jim said as he shook Carl's hand. "Maybe I'll see you around here again."

"Maybe so."

With that, Carl left, letting Jim's thoughts return to the one person that he thought was missing from this beautiful painting.

Carl's advice rung in Jim's head reminding him of the conversation he had with Michael on the booze cruise.

_"__She's engaged."_

_"__Pfft. BFD, engaged ain't married." _

_"__Huh"_

_"__Never ever, ever give up." _

The cool fall air pierced at his cheeks as his mind filled with hope. Sure, maybe he'd never end up with Pam. But Carl and Michael were right. Just because she didn't want to be friends with him anymore didn't mean he should run away. Jim would rather see Pam every single day and not get to talk to her than to not see her at all. It would be easier to see her happy everyday than for him to be unhappy everyday without her.

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**Thanks for reading. I really need to know if anyone is interested in this story and if I should continue. So, please let me know! Thanks.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey, guys! Thanks so much to everyone who is interested in this story. Thanks for the ones who do review! The reviews really do encourage me to keep writing! I am sorry it usually takes me a long time to update. I'm really busy with school right now! So, please be patient. Thanks! Enjoy, and please review!**

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No matter how many teachings and how much advice Jim would get from whomever, he was still having difficulty with the idea of having a "good attitude" about his situation at the moment. It was true; Jim would rather see her every day and not get to talk to her than to not see her at all. But that was easier said than done. He couldn't imagine not talking to her anymore. Someone might as well rip out his vocal cords because if he couldn't talk to Pam, he honestly didn't want to talk at all.

He speculated all of last night, and all of this morning, and still hadn't come up with a solution to his diminished heart. Yet, there was one thing Jim knew for sure. It was that Carl's words had truth to them. _Don't run away because the pain will only follow you. _

_But then again, I'll have pain wherever I go, so why does it matter if transfer or not? Because Pam might not end up with Roy like Rose didn't end up with that other guy? Yeah right, that was just a story. Pam was marrying Roy and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about it. _

Michael's loud talking startled Jim away from his thoughts. "Pam! You are a true hero. You basically survived death."

"Thank you, Michael." Pam only said this to please him. Jim turned his head to see Pam getting settled, along with Michael, Kelly, Kevin, and Phyllis, who were all standing in front of her, interested.

"So, c'mon, tell us what happened, Pam. What's the real story?" Kelly pleaded

"Yeah, what happened?" added Phyllis.

Pam stole a glance towards Jim, causing him to clear his throat and begin working on whatever was in front of him to distract himself, although he couldn't help but listen in.

"Um, actually, guys it's not that interesting. I was just stressed from wedding planning and I hadn't eaten so when I stood up I was just really tired and dizzy. I don't know. I just wasn't feeling good yesterday."

"Well, it's a good thing Jimbo was there, right?" Michael pointed towards Jim. "Oh this calls for a party!" He clapped his hands together.

"Michael, we really don't have the budget for random parties like these." Angela said as she walked around the copier.

"Oh, nonsense! This is a celebration of life! Pam almost died! Just think of it as a birthday party." Michael waved her off.

"Michael, I just fainted. People faint every day." Pam tried.

"We're having a party. AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT." Michael shouted. "Party Planning Committee, conference room, 5 minutes." Michael jumped back in his office as everyone else got back to work.

* * *

"Allllllright." Michael brought his hands together. "I was thinking, and this might not even be big enough, but we get a giant life size balloon of Pam, and the balloon could be holding a sign that says…" He paused for dramatic effect. "Dunder Mifflin Death Survivor." He grinned at his idea.

"No, Michael." Pam began.

"How would we even go about doing that?" Kelly asked.

"Michael, I don't want a life size balloon of me. No." Pam finished.

"Alright, alright, alright." Michael's head was down, feeling defeated until an idea quickly formed. He slowly raised his head. "We get an ice sculpture that looks like-"

"Michael! No! Nothing that looks like me! I don't even understand why we are doing this." Pam interrupted him.

"Because you're an attention seeker." Angela muttered

Pam heard the remark, but chose to ignore it.

"Pam, you survived from a very big trauma yesterday. Now that is something to party about." Michael answered.

"I just fainted! But if you insist on a stupid party, just make it simple, okay?"

* * *

Jim strolled out of the kitchen to see that the party planning committee was walking out of the conference room. Jim didn't trust himself to go back to his desk just yet. He wanted to so badly do what Pam had asked him not to do. He wanted to talk to her, prank Dwight with her, and just laugh with her. And he knew for sure that if he did start walking, he'd fall under her enchantment and end up right in front of her. And then what? He'd have to look into the eyes of such a questioningly beautiful creature who wanted such an uncanny thing from him; nothing. She wanted nothing from him. He'd have to look in her eyes and see the reflection of himself broken. And the last thing he needed was a reminder of the state of himself.

Pam looked straight ahead to the kitchen door that he stood directly in front of. Jim brought himself to meet her eyes, and for the first time that they had ever been friends, the lookthey exchanged was tainted with sorrow. Typically, every time they shared a moment like this together his heart fluttered, but instead the familiar hollow feeling washed through his chest making him feel like tin man from The Wizard of Oz. And that made sense to him because much like Tin man, Jim was also broken, alone, and stuck, waiting for someone or something to come along to fix it all. But in reality, he knew that there would never be a Dorothy to find him in this forest of pain. So he turned around and hid himself in the bathroom again.

He just couldn't go back to his desk, not after that. Use to, Jim couldn't wait to be at his desk, to glance up and already find her warmly smiling at him. But he felt like things were changing, almost like a new season creeping in slowly after the other. First, just little things begin to change. The bare trees start to sprout small green leaves, letting us know soon enough that the crisp fall air will be washed away by a warm spring breeze. And then, things drastically start to change. Fields grow flowers while everything becomes alive, replacing the dullness with color and you can't keep the things you love about fall when spring finally does comes. And Jim was afraid that Pam was something he loved in the fall.

Pam watched as Jim turned, leaving her looking at the door. _Why hadn't he talked to me yet today? It wasn't like him to not check up on me, especially after what happened yesterday. _She pictured today going a little differently. Jim would have usually said something like "Don't faint on me today, Beesly." And he would normally get a kick out of Michael's party suggestions. She was also surprised he hadn't found a way to make someone in the office eat the rest of the jelly beans. _He must know I saw the note. Hell, there were days he saw me more stressed and tired than I've ever been, and not eat that day._ _He knew me too well to know that that wasn't what caused me to faint. I should have given him the phone back. God, he must hate me now. He asked me to give it back and I didn't. Why can't everything go back to normal; eating awful jelly beans normal? _It upset Pam to have to see the hurt in Jim's eyes across the room, and she would have done anything to make it go away.

* * *

It was now 12:23 and somehow Jim and Pam made it hours without talking, which definitely broke their record.

Roy came to the office to eat lunch with Pam. They made their way to the break room to see that Creed, Meredith, Angela, and Jim were also taking their lunch breaks. Angela and Meredith sat close to the door. Creed sat towards the back with Jim at the table beside him, leaving Pam and Roy the table in front of Jim.

_Shit, _Jim thought, _this has got to be the best week in the world. _

They both started eating when Roy asked, "So, Michael's planning a party for you?"

"Yeah, it's stupid. And get this, he wanted to get a life size balloon of me and when I told him no, he suggested an ice sculpture!" She laughed.

"What an idiot." Roy bit into his sandwich.

Pam frowned expecting a different response and she didn't know why because that was the typical Roy it was because she used to tell Jim these things getting a sarcastic comment or joke that would make her laugh in response. Pam started to turn to give Jim a knowing look but Roy seemed to take notice in what she was doing and cleared his throat.

"So, um, how are ya feelin'?"

Pam turned to him, "Oh, uh, fine. My head hurts a little off and on. But I took some medicine for that."

"Good, well I'll be up for the party later. Will there be alcohol?" he smiled.

"It's an office party, Roy." Angela had heard what he was saying and butted in.

"I was joking." Pam knew he wasn't.

"Hey, uh, maybe later we can go home and have a little party of our own, if you know what I mean." Roy whispered in her ear.

Jim's head shot up as he swallowed his food. He cleared his throat, gathered his things, and left. Pam watched him as he walked away.

"Pam?" Roy asked

"Uh, yeah!" She quickly responded before filling her mouth with a spoonful of yogurt.

"Am I invited?" Creed asked straight faced.

Jim walked right out of the break room not wanting to hear Pam's response. He knew he should have just left when they walked in. He threw away the rest of his lunch. Another day without finishing his food, there would be more to come. Jim hated hearing Roy talk to Pam like that. However, he did the best he could to shrug it off. This was his chance to get some work down while she was away from her desk.

* * *

Waiting became the hardest thing Jim ever had to do. Three more long hours went by without talking to Pam. Jim starred at the clock. He was sure that is must be broken, just as he was. It had to be going slower than normal. The party was scheduled for 3:00. It was 2:38 and he could tell by the corner of his eyes when Pam would look up at him. Her glances were like a knife poking at his heart each time. He wanted so badly to look up at her too. But that would lead to a smile from him. And that would lead to his feet finding their usual place directly in front of her. And that's not what she wanted. So he'd have to learn to settle for the outline of her perfect shape peeking at the corner of his right eye. Jim speculated what it might be like if Michael let him work his sales from the annex, and he also thought about asking Jan if he could transfer. Both things he would never want to do, but Jim knew he wouldn't even be able to walk by her to get to the annex after she had a second ring on her finger. One of the only things that let him hold onto his crushing hope was that Michael still called her Pam Beesly or Pamela Morgan Beesly reminding him that she wasn't yet married to the worst possible man for her. But once that act would end, he didn't know how long he would be able to stay sane anymore. He wondered how he was supposed to listen to Carl and _"stay put" _He remembered how Carl had said he didn't want to get over Rose. Maybe Jim needed to think about that. No, he didn't really _want _to get over Pam. The love he had for her was just too real, something he's never had before. Of course he didn't want to. But, he needed to because she was marrying someone else. So, he was going to have to figure out just how to want to get over her.

* * *

**3:04 pm, Pam's Party**

"Hey, Pam, look. I'm eating you." Kevin took another bite of the sugar cookie with Pam's face on it.

"Yeah, Kevin." Pam turned around to avoid any further conversation and possible sexual jokes.

"Lame party." Roy scoffed.

Pam absent-mindlessly nodded and scanned around the conference room and office. She found who she was looking for. His slim body half way sat on Oscar's desk as he held a plastic cup filled with red punch. He was talking to Toby and Meredith. Jim didn't look happy. He looked worn out and lifeless. Usually Jim loved office parties. Only because he loved getting away from work and getting to hang out with Pam. They'd laugh at the party decorations, the music, and everything else that they found worth joking about. Jim's eyes wondered to her, catching her staring at him. Pam quickly looked down at her plate. Why had she done that? More often than not they would exchange a look from across the office, pleading for help, and now they both knew neither of them could help each other.

"Pam! You like your party?" Michael asked.

"Um, yeah." She looked up from her plate. "Where did you get this picture of me?" Pam held up a cookie with her face on it. It wasn't a picture of her smiling. She had a straight face on and she looked quite glum.

"Dwight took it." He shrugged

"When?"

"A couple hours ago I got him to take it for this. You couldn't have smiled?"

"He didn't tell me he was taking a picture! I didn't even know he took it."

"Well that's…" Michael shook his head "stupid, god, Dwight." He muttered under his breath

"Yes, Michael?" Dwight approached beside him.

Michael jumped. "Geez, stop it. Why didn't you get a good picture of Pam?"

"That's how she always looks."

"What? That's not true." Pam argued.

"No, Dwight, if that was true she wouldn't be the third hottest person in here."

"Michael, I got that special cookie you asked for."

"No, Dwight…" Michael started.

"What cookie!?" Pam raised her voice.

"Nothing." Michael lied.

"This cookie. Don't you remember, Michael?" Dwight grabbed the cookie from the tray and held it up. It was a picture of Pam's chest. It looked like Dwight had taken it from afar and just zoomed in on her chest area.

"Iiii…I didn't ask for that, Dwight." Michael shook his head

"Yes you did, Michael. I wrote it down in my journal. I can go get it if…"

"Just give me that!" Michael interrupted him. He grabbed the cookie and walked off.

Pam frowned and turned around. Typical Michael, it wasn't a surprise. Pam saw that Roy was talking to Angela, Ryan, and Kelly. She turned back to where she once found Jim. He was still there talking to just Toby now. She watched as Toby gestured to the conference room while Jim shook his head. Toby then started walking towards the room. _This is my chance, my chance to talk to him. I'm dying to tell him everything that happened today just like the days before I fainted, the days before I knew_. She would tell him every detail, right up until the cookie she just discovered moments ago.

Pam looked at him as he focused on his punch while sloshing it around. She made her move.

"Hey?" Pam looked up at his eyes. She had always heard "Yours eyes are the windows to your soul." And in that moment she finally understood it. Jim looked up at her with raised eyebrows, surprised by her presence. She studied his eyes and saw it all; saw all the hurt that this day had brought him, all the pain that _she_ had brought him. Pam looked into his hazel eyes and saw his soul; his broken soul that seemed to be searching for answers and seeking for someone to mend him. And then she thought about how she could never see Roy that well. _Is that my fault?_ _Do I not look at Roy close enough? No, I try to see how Roy is feeling just by looking at him, and I've only been able to do it a couple of times._ And with Jim, well, it was different. She knew just about every time she saw him what he was feeling.

Jim cleared his throat. "Um, hey?" He looked at her curiously.

"Weird day, huh?"

"What are you doing?" Jim stood straight.

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you talking to me? I thought you didn't want to be friends anymore."

"What!? Why would you think that? You're the one who hasn't talked to me all day!" Pam frowned. "I expected you, as my friend, to ask me how I was doing. Even Stanley asked me how I was! And I thought even though I saw the note, you'd still be a good enough person to at least smile at me today! You've been a total stranger." Pam sighed and looked down at her feet, hugging her arms because it made her feel more secure.

"Pam, you _told_ me not to talk to you! Do you honestly think that I could go a whole day without talking to you? This has been the shittiest day in the world all because of you!"

"I never told you that! Why would I say such a thing?"

"Pam! We texted yesterday after you left work!"

"I didn't text anybody after I left, Jim. You're confusing me."

Jim frowned at her. "Well, then who texted me?"

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**Thanks for reading! I'd appriciate it if you take time to review! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So sorry it took this long to update, for those who are still reading. With play rehearsal, school, and everything else under the sun, it's hard to write. It took me a long time to piece all this together because I wanted it to be good. I just feel like the only thing missing is Jim's POV. After reading this, please let me know if that's what you feel the next chapter should be! I'll start on that now because that's what I feel like is missing. A HUGE thanks to all who like this and continue to read! I love ya'll! Okay, enough...read on! **

Disclaimer: I don't own The Office or anything. 

Pam looked over her shoulder and saw Roy innocently talking to some others. Was it him? Who else would have done it? Why would Roy, the man she was about to marry, break their trust?

Tears started to form in her eyes. She didn't want to cry. Not here. Not in front of Jim. But, she didn't understand why Roy would do something so cruel. Roy had done some awful things in their past relationship, but she had always learned how to forgive him. Things like yelling at her when she obviously never deserved it. But, this? This was too far. He didn't trust Pam and her friendship with Jim. He basically tried to ruin the friendship with her only best friend. The only person who kept her smiling through the day. Now wasn't Pam's soon to be husband supposed to care about those things?

The fact that he tried to ruin the only thing that helped Pam get through the day says everything. This. This was unforgivable.

Pam couldn't stay here. She didn't want to see Jim so broken anymore. The look on his face. Those broken eyes. All of it made her sick. She hated seeing him this way. And it was partially her fault. She didn't want to talk to Roy either. She knew she would have to at some point today. Stand up to him and tell him that what he did was unacceptable and wrong. She would. But, she needed to when she wasn't crying. She wanted to when she was strong and confident.

Pam tried to move her feet but she felt as if she might faint from dizziness. She definitely did not want to faint again. All she wanted was for absolutely everything to be okay, so her first instinct was to get out of here. Pam took one more look at Jim and ran out the room. She passed the elevator and chose the steps. Maybe she would get away from reality quicker. Pam ran around until she knew where to go.

Tears blurring her vision, Pam pushed through the door that led to the roof of Dunder Mifflin. She was blasted with cold air that immediately washed through her entire body, giving her chills down her back. She looked around the empty building top. Grey, cold, and empty...just as she felt. Although the roof looked dull, she remembered the times it was much filled with life and happiness. The times she and Jim would sneak up here during parties, or to catch a lunch break without Roy. It was great to just get away from reality and be with Jim. But this time she was alone. Tears slowly reached her shirt. Why had she come up here? Where was she supposed to go next? What was she to do next?

Pam whipped away her tears and stared out over the parking lot. The bitter cold air felt as if it was trying to freeze the tears that ran down her cheeks. She didn't think to grab her coat, but now she felt too weak to go back down to get it. The coat wouldn't make her feel any better. It wouldn't help her figure out her feelings of all that had transpired. So, there was no point. Goose bumps covered Pam's arms as more tears slowly slide down. She felt numb, not only from the cold, but from everything. She felt so confused and conflicted. She didn't know what to do next.

And just as Pam had no reason to stay up on the roof anymore, just as she felt hopeless, out came someone behind the door who gave her a reason to stay. Suddenly, she felt just a bit warmer.

"How'd you know I'd be up here?" she wiped away the last of her tears.

"Where else would you be?" Jim smiled.

Pam forced a smile back at him. She hugged her arms and looked down at her feet.

"Listen…" she managed. "I am so, so sorry that…"

"What happened?" he was a little impatient to know if it was Roy that sent the texts.

"It was Roy, I guess." Pam hated to admit this. She thought that maybe Jim would be a little happy about this, that her fiancé sucked. But, all Pam found was him to be sad.

"Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe he doesn't trust me. Can you show me the texts?"

Without hesitation, Jim reached for his phone and thumbed through things until handing it over to Pam.

Pam read silently and smiled at the last part where he had mentioned the jelly beans. Then continued to the part that was "from her".

_"__I'm fine. I'm with Roy and I'm happy. I'm done with all these stupid pranks. Just stop talking to me. I definitely didn't write that, Jim." _

_"__I believe you." He said as he retrieved his phone. _

_Pam hugged herself tighter. "Did you honestly think I would say that to you?"_

_"__I don't know, Pam. After you saw…the note…I just thought that maybe you were mad. You do have a fiancé after all and I shouldn't have wrote that. It was stupid. And I thought I might have scared you away." _

_Pam shook her head. It was killing her to know what was in that note. Was it too much to ask to see it? __Of course! We're friends._

_"__Of course not, Jim. I mean, Roy is just…I don't understand him some times. I'm sorry." _

They met eyes, causing butterflies to flutter through her stomach. The way he looked at her. No. Pleaded at her through his eyes as if he needed her now more than anything. _How does he look at me that way after what happened? If this were to happen with Roy, he would give me the silent treatment and be shitty to me for weeks._

Why does he always make Pam's mind wonder? Jim interrupted her thoughts again.

"Pam, you can't apologize for him."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." She shook her head as if to say _"This is not how it is supposed to be." _

A chill ran down Jim's spin. And he didn't know if it was because of the weather or having to see Pam so heart broken. Probably both.

"Here. It's freezing." Jim took off his work coat and placed it on her shoulders.

Pam knew that she wouldn't be able to convince him to keep it so she slid her arms through the sleeves and breathed in his wonderful smell. His smell calmed her nerves making her feel as if she was sitting in front of a warm crackling fire. The warmth swelled in her chest. This was no electric or insulated jacket that made her feel so safe and warm. No, this was love. _I love him, don't I? _Pam silently asked herself.

A smile tugged at her lips, unsure of the answer.

Jim looked around as if he were missing something. "What?"

"I…I um."

Jim stepped closer. His eyes held hope. Hope that maybe one day Pam would realized that there was no other woman in the world he would ever consider looking at the same way as he did her, that she would realize just how much more he loved her than Roy pretended to. Hope in her. Something Roy definitely doesn't have, and never will.

Pam starred back up at him and realized this was her stupid, teenage dream she always secretly had. The dream of hers where she stood on her terrace with _the_ guy and told him she loved him. And he would stare back at her with that exact look. This was that moment. Yeah, they were only on a roof top, but same difference. She had never felt this way with Roy.

However, the fairy tales you write in your head or dream about never turn out to be. Maybe there would be another chance, but it couldn't be now.

"I have to find Roy."

The sparkle in Jim's eyes noticeably flickered out.

"Yeah." He breathed out. "C'mon let's get out of the cold."

**Thanks for the patience!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Well, with a four day weekend, it was easy to write this in one day. This is Jim's POV. Hope you like it, and please review. It helps me so much!**

Disclaimer: I DON'T own The Office.

**Jim's Point of view:**

* * *

Jim watched as Pam looked back at Roy. _Of course it was him. She would never do that to me. How could I be so senseless? _

Jim could see tears starting to form in Pam's eyes causing him to clench his fists. How could Roy be so cruel? Jim felt vile at Roy's actions. How did Pam not see yet that what she deserved was so much more than what she for some odd reason, settled for? If Jim could, he would snatch her off her feet and never let go of her. He would always give her what she deserved, which was trust, honesty, care, happiness, love, and so much more. Yet, Jim often felt like he would never be enough for her. But honestly, how could anyone be enough for Pam Beesly?

Jim snapped back into reality and realized that he and Pam were staring at each other. _What now?_ _What was she thinking? _Jim started to speculate an answer, but Pam dashed out of the office before giving him a chance to.

Jim looked around the room. Kelly was draped over Ryan, yapping about her new shoes that she had just ordered. Kevin was in the conference room seeing how many cookies he could fit in his mouth, with Creed and Roy cheering him on. Michael was pestering whoever he could. Stanley did his normal cross word while occasionally nibbling on a sweet. Everyone seemed to be having fun, while the girl who the party was for had just ran off heartbroken. No one cared, and that bothered him. Jim grabbed his coat off the hook and ran out after her.

_Where would she go? She didn't grab her purse, so she didn't leave. The roof. _She wouldn't choose anywhere else. She felt safe up there, and that would be the only place away from everyone.

Jim made his way to the roof and opened the door decisively. He starred across the roof top and met her eyes. He watched her try to wipe away the tears, attempting be strong. Something Jim didn't expect her to be at this moment. If anything, he devoted himself to be strong for her. He wanted to be because as of this moment, the man who was supposed to be here for her was probably taking his turn in shoving his face with Pam frosted cookies.

"How'd you know I'd be up here?" Pam spoke first.

_How could I not know? This was a place that we both go to get away. _

"Where else would you be?" Jim smiled

Pam forced a smile back at him. Jim hated her forced smile. It was a cover up, and it wasn't her real one. He hadn't seen her genuine one since the morning before she fainted. She hugged her arms and looked down at her feet.

"Listen…" she managed, "I am so, so sorry that…"

"What happened?" he was a little impatient to know if it was Roy that sent the texts.

"It was Roy, I guess."

Of course it was. His face saddened. Why wasn't she treated like a queen?

"Why?" he asked

"I don't know. Maybe he doesn't trust me. Can you show me the texts?"

Without hesitation, Jim reached for his phone and thumbed through things until handing it over to Pam.

He watched her as she read the texts. He saw the smallest smile form on her lips. There it is. The real smile. _What did she smile about? The only thing she could have smiled at was my texts. _That made Jim smile too.

"I'm fine. I'm with Roy and I'm happy. I'm done with all these stupid pranks. Just stop talking to me. I definitely didn't write that, Jim"

Hearing the text message made him feel queasy again. All the feelings he felt when he first read it came back, but he shook his head slightly. _"I definitely didn't write that, Jim." Of course she didn't. _She would never intentionally hurt me like that. We're best friends.

"I believe you." He finally said as he retrieved his phone.

Pam hugged herself tighter. "Did you honestly think I would say that to you?"

_Yes…at the time. _

"I don't know, Pam. After you saw…the note…I just thought maybe you were mad. You do have a fiancé after all and I shouldn't have wrote that. It was stupid," _Really stupid_ "And I thought I might have scared you away." _Scared you so much, you fainted and didn't want to be my friend anymore._

Pam shook her head. "Of course not, Jim. I mean, Roy is just…I don't understand him some times. I'm sorry."

_You're sorry? Are you actually apologizing for something you didn't do?_ They met eyes. _God, Pam. Don't you see it? See that everything that's happened hurts me more than anything else ever could? _Jim loved Pam more than every "I love you" ever spoken, but the pain that was caused by all this, made Jim almost want to walk away. Luckily, love outweighed everything else, and everything the man he met in the park told him, came back to him. Instead of walking away, he spoke.

"Pam, you can't apologize for him."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." She shook her head. Jim felt like he could almost read her thoughts…that shake of her head was more like _"This is not how it is supposed to be."_

A chill ran down Jim's spine. And he didn't know if it was because of the weather of having to see Pam so heart broken. Probably both.

He noticed Pam was shivering too. "Here. It's freezing." Jim took off his work coat and placed it on her shoulders.

She slid her arms through the sleeves and calmly inhaled. She looked more relaxed. Jim loved seeing her in his coat. _Pam Beesly was wearing my coat._ He never thought he'd see this. She didn't even try to convince him to keep it. She simply took it.

Wind blew forcefully at Jim's back, which was now just protected by his undershirt and a thin button up. His whole body felt frozen, but he didn't care.

A smile tugged at her lips.

_What is she smiling about? _It wasn't a forced smile. It was her perfect smile that could brighten up the darkest of days. Her smile made Jim feel as if he wasn't really living in the moment, but maybe in the future. Like this moment was going happen again one day. And no matter what the truth was, Jim was going to believe it because getting this moment again in the future was an unexplainable gift from God he couldn't be more thankful for.

Jim looked around trying to find whatever made her smile the way she did. "What?"

"I…I um."

_What was she going to say? _Jim stepped closer trying to catch the words that never came out of her mouth. He stared at her with hope. _Finish the sentence._ He had hope that maybe one day Pam would realize that there was no other woman in the world he would ever consider looking at the same way as he did her, that she would realize just how much more he loved her than Roy pretended to. Hope in her. Something Roy definitely doesn't have, and never will…but something Jim does have and forever will.

Pam starred back up at him. _What was going through her head? _Why has all day been a "Guess what I am thinking" game? Why couldn't they both just speak their minds and make everything clear for once?

Jim wanted to reach out and grab her hands. He wanted to take her and kiss her, letting her know everything he felt in one kiss, so that they wouldn't have to come up with words to say…just let that one kiss mean everything it's supposed to mean. Jim didn't even have time to think about if he would or not before Pam said, "I have to find Roy."

All the hope in his eyes flickered out, and he understood. He hated it, but understood.

"Yeah." He breathed out. "C'mon, let's get out of the cold."


End file.
